Wednesday, 4 May 2016

2 years

So it's been a little over two years since I had a breakdown, not to the day or anything. I am not fully better but I am doing a lot better than I was two years ago. People need to realise depression is about dealing, making steps forward, not a complete cure.

 It wasn't the first time I suffered serious depression. I had money worries and bad work situations in the past that really brought me low, and I my doctors and I think I have probably had anxiety since childhood.

But what matters is I survived, I made it through. It still isn't easy but I make it every day.

I have had bad times before and after that. I had a lot of anxiety and depression due to work stress in the past, and suffered physical symptoms from that.

I still have social anxiety, and am still trying to get up the courage to tell people to just fuck off when they treat me with disrespect. I am still much too polite.

I've been lucky to have a supportive partner and BFF and not have any really bad side effects with medicine. My partner helped me stop self harming back in around 2007 and I haven't had a serious cut since then.

I have trouble sleeping and horrible dreams which can make it hard to get through the day, but having my dog is one of the best things to keep me going, I am very lucky to live somewhere I can have a pet.

I have always been imaginative and it still kills me that the world we live in cannot match my dreams. I have to believe that there is magic hidden in the world, its part of what keeps me going.

I still am not 100% sure where my life is going, I want to write and I'd like to help animals. I really don't have that much energy and I am not sure if I could even work a part time job. I hope to focus on my writing.

I try to focus on things that make me happy and not to push myself too hard or expect too much of myself. The troubles of the world affect me very strongly, I try to avoid the news. Thanks to my anxiety I have to deal with constant thoughts of terrible things which is always fun. Meditation doesn't really work for me, when its silent is the worst time, so headphones with music, movies and books help distract me. Dressing up is a big thing for me, it helps me feel awesome and get me out of the house. Friends are the best and make me feel very happy and important.

Surviving is what matters.

8 comments:

  1. One day at a time, love. You can do it and remember, you are not alone in this struggle. Please don't be shy to reach out. I am here to listen if you ever need a shoulder and I am 100% positive you have MANY people in your life who are willing to do the same *hugs*

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  2. It's always hard. I have a patch of eczema on my elbow and I compare my depression to that. If I take care not to scratch and run coconut oil on it five times a day, the skin is pink and scaly and still itchy. That's as good as it gets. But sometimes I forget the oil, or I scratch it in my sleep, or subconsciously, or I give into the intense itching and scratch anyway. Then it's scabby and oozy and scaly and flaky and white. It's revolting. I can put it all of my effort and strength but it's never going to be normal skin.

    People who won't grant you time to heal are jerks and you don't need them. In the midst of my divorce, a friend of a friend said "well, just cheer up!" and seemed genuinely stunned it didn't work. She didn't see any reason to be depressed, so obviously there is no actual reason to be depressed. The lack of empathy of those people is devastating.

    Everyone's depression is different and everyone takes a different amount of time to heal. Some days are worse than others. I am grateful every day for my cats because I have times I wouldn't get out of bed if it wasn't for them.

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  3. Keep surrounding yourself with positivity. Good to hear you are better off than you were 2 years ago

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  4. You ARE awesome. And that little dog of yours is just beautiful - I know how they help, when you are down, just a dog-hug can make the world a better place.

    Take care and keep doing what makes you happy.

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  5. One day at a time my friend! You make sure, every moment of the day, you are telling yourself, how wonderful you are! How much you love you!!! And, remember, we all love you too! I'm very proud of you! Keep believing! Most importantly, never stop believing in you! Big Hugs and Much Love!

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  6. Dearest Laura, I relate and I am with you in thought and emotion. We who struggle since decades know that there is no fix and that " getting better" - by means of therapy, medication or time - usually means 10-30%. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  7. So many comforting things I'd like to say but can't figure out the right way to say them. Keep living in your magical world, Laura. And give that puppy a big hug from me. <3

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  8. It is good that you can see the positive things and i hope the future will bring a lot more of those for you <3

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