"Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know..." Let It Go, Frozen.
I've been a perfectionist since I was a kid. The kind of perfectionist who cries when they do something wrong or don't get 100% in a test. Don't even ask how hard I cry if someone tells me off!
Since I finished university and the job market was NOTHING like what I was promised it would be, I have been feeling like a real failure. Trying to fight the idea it is somehow my fault. After all, if there are 100 candidates go for a job, 99 of them are going to miss out! (and apparently there have been for some of these jobs) But that's not really the way my mind works, and I keep thinking I must be worse than all those other people!
With the help of a counselor, I have been trying to change my way of thinking. And I am slowly getting better at it. I am trying to take life in the slow lane, worry less, not blame myself for everything that goes wrong!
Over the last nearly 5 months, I have been trying to change, to simplify, to accept imperfection, and to embrace the important things. I am trying to live life slower, more close to the earth. It's not easy but I am doing pretty well.
I know that society expects things from me and I am trying not to care what it wants and focus on what I want and NEED.
Some of the changes I have worked on recently:
- My new faery style is more comfortable and easy to wear than some of my previous Victorian clothes, cooler in hot weather, and more durable. I feel so much better wearing it, but it has taken a lot of courage, not because the style is out there, but because a natural aspect of shyness and uncertainty seems to include covering up and hiding myself away- faery style is about breaking out, embracing the magic inside and letting myself be free!
- Less clothes, possessions, I can't afford to buy a lot of books so I get most of them from the library anyway
- Stop trying to be perfect- accept my imperfections and those of others- don't have to have perfect hair, etc. Live a simpler life.
- Changing career plans- don't want to be a cog in the corporate machine, sick of being told I have to dress and be a certain way- I want to work somewhere I can be me! I would also work with animals if I can!
- Embrace gratefulness for all the amazing things I do have. Family and friends. Being close to nature.
- Plan a simpler life- writing, garden, animals- realise that with less money you have to live simpler but being ok with that.
- Getting rid of old books to secondhand bookshop so I can reuse the money for more books.
- Trying to be more positive
- Saving up positive sayings
- Trying to like myself better
- Getting colour on my tattoo finally and stopping worrying about it being seen through my sleeve during interviews.
- Being who I want to be- not letting other's judgments get to me
- Realising how important I am to others
- Learning to live in the moment. Trying to not overthink, worry and stay up all night planning how everything will go. This is one of the hardest things for me, I am trying very hard!
- Stop letting the worry of bad things that could happen stop me from living!